That post title sounds quite ominous, doesn’t it? It isn’t intended that way. In a way, it’s actually quite positive.
You won’t find any creative inspiration in this post, just an explanation for my absence which will probably extend past the Christmas period.
I have been spending a lot of time recently beating myself up mentally, because I was doing so well, creating and blogging with momentum, filming videos and sharing information and ideas I have been itching to share for some time. When life started to wear me down I was kicking and screaming, desperate to keep up that momentum, and furious with myself that I failed.
The fact is, right now I need to stop. The longer I fight it, the worse the problem will become. I know that from experience. This time, I can do it differently.
Our dog is sick. She has been for some time. We thought we knew what the problem was, but as mentioned in a previous post, it turns out that the original diagnosis may have been wrong or at least things may have changed. We’re trying to figure out what the problem may be, because she’s an odd little thing and her symptoms don’t point strongly toward one particular thing. At the moment I am taking multiple daily readings of her blood sugar levels, so we can see whether her blood sugar is truly persistently low. This will hopefully help the vets to decide on the next course of action. She has been wonderfully tolerant of this, putting up with my fumbling and impatience with my own ineptitude.
Between being woken in the night, worrying, home cooking her food and trying to research treatments, alternatives etc. I am mentally exhausted. My health is also suffering.
At the same time we’re in the process of hopefully selling a property, supporting family members who have been going through serious health issues and my Mum who has been quite fragile since my Dad passed away last year. Unfortunately yesterday my brother phoned to let me know that Mum is in hospital having broken her ankle slipping on a patch of ice while walking her dog.
I am not complaining about the things I need to do. I love my dog and if I could make her better I would do so much more. If I could fix things for my Mum I would do whatever that entailed. I have simply come to the realisation that I can’t do everything, all the time. I can’t expect myself to work, jump all the daily hurdles life throws in my path, look after myself , my partner and everyone else and be creative and inspiring. At least I can’t maintain a regular schedule for the last one. I have hopes and plans for this blog, I have so many ideas I want to see through, but I’m having to accept that I can’t do it all now. I’m going to have to be patient and take care of myself first.
This feels like a continuation of the lessons that started to hit home last year when my Dad died. Time to pay proper attention!
I’m not declaring the end of my blog, or a specific blogging break. I’m simply giving myself a mental break by giving myself permission not to try to do everything. I’m doing that in the hope that I can recharge and keep moving forward in 2015. I’m sharing all this in the hope that if you’re reading this and identify in some way (which I am betting will be the case for a lot of people), it might help you too. It really is okay to just be. It’s enough.
I may pop up here over the festive period with a card or two. I may not. I’m trying to be okay with that. I do have more to share with you, I’m just going to have to be patient with myself and return to creativity and sharing when I can.